Dear Mr. Brin - An Open Letter

Fifty years ago this week, when I was a 21-year-old college senior, I was in the Soviet Union, sent by the government of Israel to smuggle in Jewish religious items and smuggle out names of Jews who wanted to escape the Soviet Union and could then be issued a formal invitation to Israel.

I was chosen because I was a committed Jew and because I knew Hebrew and Russian. I was no hero, but the trip did entail risk. The Soviets did not appreciate people smuggling out names of Soviet citizens who sought to emigrate, information the Israeli government and activist groups in America used to advocate on their behalf.

What Is This New World Forming?

I had an encounter this morning where someone had argued that Baby, It's Cold Outside was contained dangerous messages in it. I countered with my argument that the assertion was ridiculous and further counter-productive to the idea of feminism.

The person sharing his perspective was younger, and I would surmise that many of my younger friends would share a similar opinion to his. I don't want to point the finger at "the younger generation," but I do now appreciate things said to me that I dismissed when I was that "younger generation."

Everything Requires Faith

I had a short online debate the other day with an atheist, something I have learned to try to avoid. It's not that I am afraid of debate, but the forum of typing my point, the other typing his and trying to trap one another in semantics and other childish debate techniques is not only faulty in its appeal but also lacks the intimacy and respect that a discussion of philosophical difference requires.
 

I think it is actually healthy to challenge others beliefs...and probably something not done enough in our current culture. There is much of a "fall in line" and "keep up with the times" thinking, stronger even that existed when I grew up, where no one thinks about there answers and so much of ANY belief relies on popularism and blind-acceptance of what others say that almost no one has faith anymore.
 

Parable of Economy

There was an ancient civilization where there was a great store house for food. In the agrarian society, people agreed to bring their grain and store it in this common warehouse. To provide proof of a family's portion, metal-bound certificate was stamped with a denomination denoted the amount of food deposited and given to the head of the household. These metal tokens were used to withdraw grain from the community warehouse during the non-harvesting seasons.
 

Holy Password, Batman!

I got on a password-rant yesterday. My bank updated its online security which forced me to create an even more complex password than I had.

Not Drinking The Poison

If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom?

 ~ Kahil Gibran 

In my last post, I talked about who I want to be when facing difficulties and resentment. It is slow to implement, but I have been employing the idea of thinking how the optimal version of me wants to respond to a situation and trying to act that way. I ask myself, "How would the person I truly aspire to be handle this?" This has helped me greatly in many scenarios and kept me more grounded more often.
 

Mental Calisthenics

“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.”
~The Apostle Paul

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am working on some character renovations. Whenever starting such a project, I find the passage above a good place to start.

How You Doing?

At the beginning of the year, I recreated my FaceBook profile and destroyed the old one. This post is not about why I did that but rather the connections I lost when doing so. Today, I worked through some old lists, my phone contacts, etc, to reconnect with many people who slipped through the cracks of my profile upgrade.

God Save The Queen

I learned something today which really drove home how fortunate and convenient we have things in our modern society. I know I take food and shelter for granted, but this tidbit emphasized how spoiled I really am - and how much "common" society has grown complacent with receiving what its members want with little sacrifice.

The piece of trivia: In 1947, Princess Elizabeth of England (now Queen) had difficulties getting material for her wedding dress. Because of the devastation left over from World War II (remember this is two years after its end), even the heir to the throne could not "simply buy" a wedding dress or even the materials for it to be made. Knowing this, the young lady devised a frugal and strategic plan. For the next four months she saved enough ration coupons to purchase the material and hired a designer, albeit an upscale designer, to fashion her gown.

Perhaps she learned this thinking from her royal upbringing, but I like to think it was due to her training as a mechanic in the Women's Auxiliary Territorial Service. Yes, the Queen was original a mechanic in auxillary service to the British Armed Forces.

Despite the surprise of labor skills acquired by the top-upper class, the fascinating thing to me is the royals and politicians were subject to the same laws as the "common" folk of England. The concept of equal application of the law really meant something in America's mother country, especially in a time of crisis and recession.

This makes me think about the changes over the past half of a century. If the then-future-queen of England was not too good to have to ration with the rest of her countrymen, from where has this concept of entitlement come - an attitude that seems quite pervasive among every class today? Is it a social change? Can technological convenience and human laziness be the explanation? Does the reason lie in a more complex web of several factors?

I'm not sure if the answer is knowable, but this simple story of prudence has made me rethink the "snootiness" of royalty and ponder the idea that all upper-class are out of touch.

What Difference Does It Make

This week has been a strange one, but as Shakespeare said, "All's well that ends well." And this week did end well for me in the sense of personal and emotional comfort in many ways.

I had many issues flaring up this week, most of which I did not handle well early on. Stress was at one of the highest points it has been probably in the past five years. However, some specific moments of clarity befell me, and life in so many areas started to become far less burdensome. The problems or the pain still existed, but my perspective changed - and that made a huge difference.

So to better explain, I am going to share a specific struggle - one I've written a lot about this past month, my recent break-up. I contemplated whether or not to share this specific topic because in the past she had expressed discomfort with me blogging about her. However, after a moment of consideration, I realized what I'm about to state is ever-so-much not about her; it is about me.

I came to some very real honesty about me, how I felt, and the angry side I harbored over the break-up. For events involving my former fiancée this week, I had both poor and mannerly responses. Nonetheless, I did reach a point of healthy closure and took a therapeutic exercise to accept that closure. Doing so, freed my heart in an amazing way. My thoughts still go back to our time together; she lived in this house and we spent time together at many places I still frequent - so there is an unavoidable nostalgia that exists.

However, my thoughts are no longer weepie or angry. I am able to look at these memories with a strange and wonderful fondness. Whether a fool or not, I loved this woman very much. How she felt in return cannot diminish what I gave and cannot lessen what I felt. And I am no longer making myself be responsible for whatever it was she felt, didn't feel, what she did or didn't do. What difference does that make? I know what I had (and still have) and what I felt (and still feel) and I can enjoy and cherish those intangibles that live within me. Those don't have to be affected by anyone or any event outside of me.

Yes, through therapy this week, through gaining new insight about trust and relationships, through personal conversations with others, my outlook (regardless of my circumstance) is strong in many areas of my life where I struggled only a few days ago. Yes, it has been a strange but good week.

Weak Trust

Today we had a seminar at work on The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. We discussed the issue of trust, and I gained some very interesting perspective.

We often consider trust as something earned or that a person must have strong qualities to be trusted. We think that proven accomplishments over time is what establishes trust. However, that is a semantic game. What this describes is not trust, but responsibility and reputation.

Oddly enough, trust is not about being strong; trust is about sharing vulnerabilities. So to earn trust from another person, one must actually be weak rather than strong, open up and share fears or failures, explain trials or difficulties and be genuinely human.

Counter-intuitive as it seems at first, stop and think about it. We all know of someone who goes to painstaking effort to appear strong, to hide his or her weaknesses, and cover up their mistakes. At the end of all that, what opinion do we form? That they are shifty, sneaky, fake – and should not be trusted.

However, when someone shares a story of difficulty where they were hurt and struggled, how they suffered through a trying time or about a lacking skill he or she is trying to improve…what do we think then? Usually, it is along the lines of “Wow…that person is so honest with their own personal life” – and we conclude he or she is someone we can trust.

So, as I have overly stated this past month, I have been through an awful lot. The result of so much of this has become a barrier from trust built up around me. It’s so surprising I would have trust issues out of everything; right?

However, today was huge for me. I don’t want to have trust issues, and I want to move past them. I no longer want to focus on the problems or define what I’ve suffered. I am ready for recovery, and I need to build trust again. So, it was a wonderful revelation to me how trust really works. I feel confident that I can rebuild myself and trust in others not by trying to become “strong” again, but rather by sharing and connecting with others, admitting my wrongs and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

It won’t happen quickly. It won’t happen overnight. But it will happen as I continue to be honest, be loyal and be real.

As You Like It

I offer only a brief revelation from last night, which is really little more than a paraphrase of the poem below. But I have come to realize that not everything wonderful lasts.

And that is okay and the nature of some things. Some of our greatest experiences in life are like roller coasters – meant to be remembered for the thrill because to live such adventure continuously would disorient us, make us sick, then numb and finally destroy us.

I recall at the end of my marriage five years ago, there was so much drama in my life from the choices we had made, I remember yearning for boring. But that's a story for another time. For now, I offer the often-referenced poem, “Reason, Season or Lifetime.”

PS: Bonus points for those who know why I referenced Shakespeare in title and image.

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

Or to provide you with guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,

The season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person anyway;

And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life,

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Author – Unknown

The Peacock And Hera

I recently posted a link on my Facebook wall about the “Fear of Success” and began to ponder this concept, some of its underlying motivations, and how those relate to my involvement with women. My recent broken engagement has clearly brought about a lot of introspection, as I hope to break what seems to be a cyclic pattern of behavior when it comes to relationships.

This is both a pattern about my behavior as well as characteristics in the women I choose. However, let me be perfectly clear; I am not saying the women I’ve been with are all the same because they most definitely are not. What I am saying is that often they share similar traits or coping methods and my natural or comfortable response yields comparable reactions. These women may all be different chemicals, but they are in the same grouping – and when introduced to my chemistry a destructive explosion is a likely result.

Much of this comes from the plaguing thought in my mind of “what went wrong?” Without revealing details, my last relationship went from flawless to intolerable in a matter of only two or three weeks. She wrote a response to me and indicated the immense stress of external factors were too strong for us to handle in the infancy of our relationship. However, this statement struck me odd when I read it in our post-breakup email exchange.

In all fairness, different people respond differently to different circumstances. What might be stressful for me, my former fiancé might just shrug off, and the converse might be true as well. So it is possible she felt stress that I have not given the appropriate merit. However, what we had before us as “problems” did not seem grandiose in my opinion. Of course, compared to the issues during my divorce five years ago, little seems insurmountable to me anymore. Thus, while this might explain her perspective and reactions, it doesn’t work well to explain my frustration and anger at the end – and more importantly it doesn’t explain the rapid shift from paradise to punishment.

I do believe that in this case there are two people responsible for its demise; however, I can only focus on and analyze the variables I brought to the table. The others, while I may need to acknowledge, are not mine to solve. Certainly some factors carried more weight than others, but my effort here is not to place blame but rather that I be responsible for my own character.

So, I ask myself – do I know what a successful relationship looks like? Do I know what it feels like to truly experience an intimate, supportive, beneficial and romantic relationship? Have I been playing the game all my life without understanding how the points are getting on the scoreboard? Is it possible I have sabotaged my own relationships because of insecurities that I have?

I don’t know if it is as extreme as it sounds from those questions, but there may be an element of truth here. On the flip side, I am far more volatile to live with than the analytical persona presented from this blog indicates too. But I am coming to understand that those moments of emotional outburst are less about the circumstance and more about my anticipation for the other shoe to drop. I may doom my own happiness being like the peacock of the Aesop fable who was not satisfied with his lot. If I look for a problem, then I will surely find it, be it real or not.

I am starting a process to learn to be content in the moment – whatever that moment is. This is not an excuse to be slothful or not maintain what must be done. However, I need to relax and accept things better, to quit anticipated for some future moment because it never comes and I miss out on enjoying the now. It also means I can accept that not every moment is enjoyable, but that doesn’t mean it destroys the whole situation just because a problem exists. I must learn to drown out that little voice that says “See, this is why this won’t work” and replace it with one that says “We’ll get through this.”

Lastly, I think much of this is about simply making a decision. My feelings are not always trustworthy. Not that I should become a Vulcan either, but there certain things in my life where I’ve already decided no matter what this is where I stand or what I will do – my relationship with my daughters, for example. This is simply a decision, come Hell or high water.

Why then have I not applied that, reassured that, strengthened that and reinforced that in my relationships with women? I don’t know the answer yet, but I plan to find out. I’m suspicious though it has to do with actually being afraid of a healthy relationship. And this is where my therapy will delve soon.

I’ll keep everyone posted.

Caterpillar Confessions

Remember the scene in “Ghost” when Molly is grieving Sam’s loss, and Carl is helping her clean out some of his personal belongings? Patrick Swayze’s character as the apparition is looking on as they uncover the Dave Brubeck concert tickets. Carl asks if he should toss the ticket stubs, and Molly says, “No.” She then has a silent moment of nostalgia over Rolaids. Meanwhile, Sam is watching in dismay because they hated that concert and has no clue what she’s remembering about the antacids.

I had a bizarre moment like that tonight. I re-read all 6,188 text messages shared between my ex and me, but I blame my geek-factor for enabling this Molly-Jensen moment. To defend the obsessive-sounding behavior, let me explain that I store everything I have electronic. If there were a “Digital Hoarders” show on the A&E Network, I would be the pilot episode. So, now I’ve deflected one neurotic moment with psychological disorder.

Of course, I discovered several strange things beyond the nostalgia. For example, there is superstitious evidence the Def-Leppard curse was real. I bought the tickets eleven days from our first date, and we broke up eleven days after the concert. Yes, my “beautiful” mind works in strange and statistical ways.

The good thing about this exercise is that I examined the courting-phase, the dance prior to actually coupling. I was able to examine my approach, technique…the “bait” so to speak. Now, let me be very careful how I phrase this. My former fiancé is a wonderful person with many admirable qualities; however, like all of us, those better qualities left certain other aspects of her persona without mastery. Thus, there were key characteristics which were simply less than my minimum requirement.

This is not an insult. All of us fit this same model of being a double-edged sword. A quiet, calm, level-headed person rarely becomes passionate enough for some partners. Perhaps a hyper-compassionate person is not a good match if his or her partner’s threshold for stray cats is low. Strange examples, I know – but it illustrates that some personalities just don’t work well together. Further, sometimes it takes a while to figure that out.

But I’m examining whether I am attracting women who will not fit my needs by the way I sell myself. While my ex-wife and most recent girlfriend are very different people, they do share some similarities in the areas that fell below my threshold. And if I keep finding partners with these personality traits, then I’m doomed to a cyclic pattern. Either that – or I have to accept that this is a price for the trade-off with the other characteristics to which I’m drawn, and therefore I have to change my standard. However, changing one’s standard is pretty hard to do when it’s not a preference.

What I have concluded is that I don’t recognize this “imperfection” in the women I chase until there is a critical incident, when my need is screaming. Suddenly, I have an expectation these women have never known from me, and almost unfair to them I hope they can deliver. But the truth is – they didn’t stand a chance; they were never equipped for the job. And these women from my past cannot be blamed for that. They are who they are – and it’s unfair to become angry at water because it’s wet.

However, I am very nostalgic and also quite sentimental, although those traits of mine are not often broadcast publicly. Because I have such a passion for closeness and familiarity, I cherish the memories I relived tonight. I don’t think most who know me platonically realize the level of intimacy I crave and feel when coupled with a serious partner. This attribute of mine makes me vulnerable to these memories. Without the proper safe-guards, I am drawn back to a ruined relationship like a moth to the flame.

So – in closing this post, I publicly confess my secret plan. In addition to my counseling therapy, I am going to create a secret group of good friends to keep me accountable. All the love and adoration I had for my ex-fiancé didn’t go away when we broke up. When I remember our moments over cheesecake or pancakes, I yearn for those moments again. However, to act on that desire is unsafe for me and unfair for her; thus, I can’t. But I may not be strong enough on my own; so I’m enlisting my friends, who I have called one of my most valued treasures more than once this week.

Finally, I realize this post is highly personal and mostly written for no one else’ benefit but my own. However, it is only through this level of transparency that I can achieve the honesty I need to do the right thing. My wounds need the open air to heal. Despite the vulnerability, for me to grow I must reveal these thoughts and confess my mistakes. The group I establish will aid me to make my thoughts become habits and eventually character and to modify those mistakes into my new mission.

Taxes in the State of Crazy

Because of what I said in my Fair Warning post, I’m reluctant to share any details about why things didn’t work out for me and my almost-future-spouse. However, when confirming personality traits that one knows will be seriously problematic, the stories which script the evidence can be wonderful material for an HBO stand-up comedy special. And I suppose I’ve always been a fan of dark humor.

However, it is probably inappropriate to expose those details through this portal into my private life. And I truly have no reason to cast a dark shadow on my former partner. There’s a quote which fits my point, but I cannot recall who said it. Allow me to paraphrase: Never speak evil of another without knowing whether it is true, and even if you know that it is true, ask yourself why you are speaking it.

As wonderful of a person that she really is, like all of us, she had her flaws. Those flaws fell in areas which were simply not manageable, tolerable, satisfactory (whatever the word) for what I needed in a wife. And as I stated earlier, the anecdotes that revealed the truth became amazing bar tales, which is where you’ll have to hear them from me after paying the price of a beer for admission. I’m sure stories about my behavior are being sold for a price elsewhere as well.

But they are funny. And they’re sad too. That’s the secret of dark humor. As I recounted some of the recent events and explained that I was deeply sad over how things had gone, a co-worker noted, “You are the happiest sad person I know.”

The truth is I am happy. I avoided making a huge mistake which likely would have drained me in ways which would have been devastating. But I am also immensely sad. I invested a startling amount of hope and emotion for something that will never come to fruition.

Another important truth though is that I harbor no ill will. I’ve stated it several times how important I believe it is to forgive and truly let go. Forgiveness is not condoning the harm, but more dismissing oneself as judge and jury. Perhaps even denying oneself the spectator seat as well. I know so often we won’t take the vindictive action ourselves, but we wait and watch, hoping for karma to pay vengeance on our behalf. This is not healthy either, and probably not what lives in the heart of the true forgiver.

However, along with “not condoning the harm” goes “still having to suffer the consequences.” Those may be from the other person, from me or from the combination of just being together. But they don’t just disappear when the other person goes away. And this is where the dark humor has its value – because the coins are already spilled.

The coins are a parable of personal experience I tell my daughters. When I was 20ish, I owned a 67 Mustang, 3-on-the-floor, V8-302 engine with a 9-inch posi in the rear. It had some serious power and could run the quarter somewhere around 13 seconds. One day I gathered all my loose change to cash in at the bank, placed all those coins in this large beer stein and balanced it on the floorboard of the car. I drove so carefully from the house, as to not spill those coins. However, at the first intersection to get on the highway, I turned the corner too fast and the coins scattered everywhere.

I laughed hysterically. See – it was funny; irony is a great source of humor. The consequence remained regardless of my response. Whether I laughed or I cried, I was still going to have to pick up those coins. It was just easier to take on that task while recognizing the comedy of it. It was about my attitude not the task – as so much of life truly is.

As I got older, I forgot about the coins and became distressed and depressed over a great many things. However, I’ve had many reminders lately, my recent break-up being one of them. My response could be anger, writhing in the injustice. My response could be depression, pitying myself for how things never work out for me. My response could even be spite, hoping and praying that she experiences the same pain and disappointment. But those are all taxes in the State of Crazy.

No, my response will be to laugh, remember the greatness, beauty and wonder of what we two shared. I will smile and be grateful for the opportunity of so many happy moments. I will bask in my reminiscence of the sensual intimacy we once shared. But I won’t pay those taxes.

And just for the record, I am the resident in the State of Crazy.

Perspective

The interesting thing is: we all think it's the other person(s)' fault.

The Origin of Fire

I was recently sent an email highlighting Billy Joel's song, We Didn't Start The Fire. This is a great song both musically and historically, demonstrating politics and the human condition. However, while there is some truth to his point that humans are a messy lot, there is a bit of denial of responsibility to the lyrics. Or perhaps it is just a twist on the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog - the claim being humans in their nature will create strife.

However, I think we often look at the action of first conflict without understanding why and where that conflict originates. Sometimes it doesn't matter. If a robber breaks in my home, threatening my family, there is no time to analyze his psychological profile. But when it comes to our own close and personal relationships, taking that time and avoiding hasty decisions is important. Yet we often fail to do that, and then cast our own reactions as a required response to an offense.

I believe much conflict in relationships, whether that be between friends, lovers, co-workers or children-and-parents, is due to failure to express what's going on. Sometimes we discover we are "taking a trip to Abilene," which is a metaphor for something no one wants but everyone agrees to do. Sometimes we have differing goals, but fail to compromise out of fear of rocking the boat. Sometimes it is more complex than either of these, but in all cases the fear and resentment builds. In the end frustration results and sometimes bridges get burned.

Speaking rudely and disrespectfully can burn bridges, but that is probably more about attitude. Having a relationship with someone whose attitude is constantly disrespectful might require that bridge be set afire anyway, as breaking associations isn't always a bad thing. However, for desirable and maintainable bonds, expressing what's inside is essential. It's not the fiery tongue that burns the bridge, but rather the failure to communicate. It is from this silence where assumptions spark and ignite the destruction.

Pray For Drought

Last Sunday my pastor told an interesting story about a Nebraskan farmer. His request for Divine intervention for the benefit of his corn field differed from most farmers who customarily would say “pray for rain.” However, he would ask his family and friends to pray for drought before the harvest.

His young son reached an age where he understood farming well enough to be confused by his father’s words. “Why should we pray for drought, Dad? Doesn’t water make the corn grow?” he asked.

The seasoned farmer sat his son down and explained. If it rains too much and too soon, then the crops become satisfied and the roots remain shallow. Yes, the corn will grow tall, but they are not well secured to the ground. When the strong summer winds come prior to the harvest, the stalks will be easily torn from the earth and swept away, destroyed. But when there is little water, the roots naturally dig deep, seeking the life-giving water below the surface. When those storms come, the drought-suffered crops survive the blast because they cannot be ripped away so easily.

We are so much like those stalks of corn. It is in our hardships that we grow deep. We think we want all the good and satisfying things to keep us happy, but in truth these things only keep us shallow. But moreover, especially in our unstinted American lives, there is a cultural belief of entitlement and that by following the right path and connections someday we will arrive.

I am bewilderingly blessed. I have riches both material and fraternal. More than the birds of the fields, my basic needs are not even questioned, but even more – many simple desires are obtainable on a whim. My life is more comfortable than I deserve!

But yet, when some mishap of life occurs, I tailspin out of control as I am staggered that any inconvenience could have crept into my secure existence, and I rebuke any involved who should have prevented it. Is that accurate and honest enough? Oh, the childlike tantrums I catch myself throw.

The truth is – I don’t know suffering. Because of that, I am spoiled, weak and shallow. My roots are not deep enough to endure the storms. When the winds come, even the gentle breezes of difficulty, I am put under a strain.

However, today I caught a glimpse of a mighty storm in someone else’ life. Seven weeks ago, the Organizations Director of our church, his wife and his two children were struck by an eighteen-wheeler. Amazingly the children came out with no life-threatening injuries, but he was in a coma for a week and his wife in one for two weeks.

Today, as part of the Easter service, they made a triumphant public return. Still facing several more needed surgeries and who knows how much expense and pain, they expressed gratitude for the gift that God had given them in this experience. And the meaning of this gift wasn’t “just being alive.” There was a truly genuine appreciativeness for being traumatized by the wreck.

I admit I cannot fathom how he could be happy to be hurt, but he was. He also said he won’t go seeking it again – so it’s not that kind of happy. However, there were many blessings that had been revealed to him during this crisis and much that he had learned. He offered to explain more when he had healed better but did reveal one illustration.

He said that few people ever get to understand impact and significance their life has had on other people. In the routineness of life, we rarely know whether the things we do really make a difference and whether other people care about our efforts or even about us. So much is scripted civility that is hard to tell.

Yet this experience was much like attending his own funeral to see who took the time to show up. However, this “funeral” lasted seven weeks thus far. Showing up wasn’t an act of ceremony, and the volume of people who came to the family’s aid because of established relationships and because of past compassions extended from his family made him that his purpose here on this earth had not been wasted. That knowledge, that assurance – it is a gift few ever receive in this life.

Now, I have no desire to drive my vehicle into semi-truck to gain this illumination myself. Nor do I believe one should create self-afflictions to gain the character. Those crises will occur enough on their own; God told His children that already (John 16:33).

However, what I have taken from all of this is that the difficulties in my life have value. If I will stop complaining about them, if I will become peaceful in God’s providence and if I will be open to learn and listen rather than just endure or escape, then I can trust I will come through the storm and my roots will have grown a little deeper.

I will pray for drought.

What I’m Not, But Often Confused For

In my last post, I expressed my skepticism over Anthropogenic Global Climate Disruption. (That’s the newest term.) However, what I find interesting is some of the non-published comments that get sent my way, and the accusations that come with them.

While I am not promoting “raping mother earth,” I don’t have a problem with questioning the validity of Climate Change theory. This does not make what I say absolute in any way. Often I bring up points that don’t get talked about but seem significant in my mind.

However, I hope that I never promote the idea that I know the answer or that if you disagree with me then you are stupid. I’m simply stating why I question something and claim that I would like a clearer explanation because what I’ve heard thus far is akin to marketing scare-tactics with lots of science-you-can’t-understand-so-no-reason-to-let-you-examine-it excuses.

But please, I’m neither smart enough nor comically in-tune enough to claim I know anything for sure.

I sometimes get accused of having no compassion, too. This one stings me a bit, but I’ve grown some thicker skin over time. To this I reply that I think a common misunderstanding among those who perpetually disagree is the consensus of what their disagreement is.

In the example above, just because I am a skeptic of global warming does not mean that I’m am promoting pollution. Ironically, pollution is an issue I’m quite concerned about – and I wish the global warming angle of the green movement would move aside so we could address the pertinent parts of the problem, such as too-few recycling programs, toxic waste disposal procedures and the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Those who know me well understand that I have a great concern for the world’s clean water supply.

But my point is the name-calling and red herrings that most disagreements turn into. Neither side really wants to listen or to address the problem. And both sides assume the other is extreme and ignorant, while the truth is each probably agrees about more than they disagree.

Perhaps religion is a good example of this – for what better topic of disagreement is there? The Christians and the Muslims think everyone is going to hell. The Jews no longer believe in hell after dying. And the Buddhists claim we are in a continuous process of dying. In the meantime, the atheists think they’re all a bunch of fools. Hard to get more contentious than that.

But I’m reminded of what C.S. Lewis wrote when discussing the various cultures and religions of the world. While the explanations of origin may vary, in all cases the values and morals taught, the proper behaviors expected and the wisdom given were all quite similar. No religion or culture promoted lying, cowardice, swindling and murder.

The same is true for many of the social and political issues about which I choose to write. Neither liberal nor conservative want more violent crime. No one wants greed and corruption in our economy. We all would love to live in a peaceful world without war. Everyone agrees better education and healthcare reaching more people is a good idea. Nobody, not even me, thinks poisoning the earth is good.

But the devil’s in the details – not to hark back to religion. Although we tend to claim the other side doesn’t recognize the problem, that’s probably not true. It’s the method of resolving it where the debate occurs, at least when rational, solution-oriented people dispute. If someone is calling you a bleeding-heart liberal who doesn’t understand human nature, then don’t debate with them. Even though I would probably agree with their stance on the issue, I doubt they know why I do…or even why they do.

Thus, in this vein, allow me to be a little defensive concerning past, present and future accusations of what I am. I’d like to give a high-level summary of why I hold the stance I do on a few key issues. I won’t burden you with the detail, but I am willing to explain my position further for individuals who are curious of the reasons behind my premises.

Welfare: I don’t want anyone to be without basic necessities. I believe there is a minimum level of human dignity one should expect from society. However, the recent extension of payouts and removal of much accountability in the system give incentive to many capable people not to work and not to improve their condition. I believe in Lao Tzu’s perspective here. The goal should be to turn consumers into producers and not simply sustain the non-productive. Sometimes helping is enabling, and I feel we’ve erred too far on that side. And while I generally oppose governmental welfare, I am a huge proponent of private and personal charity. I also don't give cash to vagrants, but I do keep a stack of fast-food gift cards in my car to give away to the hungry.

Universal Healthcare: If a fiscally responsible plan could provide more medical care to more people than are currently treated as needed, and the quality of that service would be the same or better – then I’m all in for the plan. But that's the idealistic pitch rather than the reality, as I do the math. The current plan trades sick people into the healthy pool but exchanges more previously-covered people to the 'useless treatment' plan, doing more harm than good. Poorer medical coverage with a higher total cost, enforced by the IRS – that seems to be the existing plan. Worse yet, the administration of the system is in the power of a small oligarchy who have special medical privileges and who have no risk or accountability for the plan’s success or failure, which simply exacerbates the haves-versus-have-nots reason this issue exists.

Airport Security: Do I want passengers carrying weapons to hijack or explode planes? Of course not. But the response to the underwear bomber doesn’t match the threat. The new scanners do not detect explosive powders. Who sold the idea of taking naked pictures of people as security? Plus, the TSA has lied about how the machines work. Yes, it can and does store the image. That’s been demonstrated. But even if it hadn’t, think about it. How would they prosecute without one? How would they defend the probable cause position to perform a violation to the Fourth amendment without demonstrating that cause? I have no clue why these machines were placed into service. Capitalistic terror-profiteering? Ignorance of the technology? Unknown ulterior motive? Or perhaps just stupidity in general. But what I feel strongly on this topic is it has almost nothing to do with actually securing the safety of the passengers. And that’s what I wish we would focus on.

Global Warming (or whatever your favorite climate buzz-term is): So, let’s just say – I’m not pro-pollution and I don’t want to rape the planet. But more specifically, I seriously question the strength of the IPCC’s evidence and credibility. The scientists have been seriously wrong (and even manipulative) in several calculations. Doomsayers have been with us since recorded history, but all marine life didn’t die off in the twentieth century, England is still above sea-level and Phil Jones has still not released the data requested through the Freedom of Information. I don’t deny that global temperatures statistically changed, but I question whether this is due to mankind’s behavior or whether this is just a natural cyclical pattern, similar to seasons or ocean current patterns. However, I see great harm economically if we react for long-term changes without better understanding the true cause. (Google “Winooski 1979” for an example.) Trillions of dollars could be spent on people who have yet to be born for something we don’t even know is real. I wonder how much of that money could be redirected on hungry, homeless and uninsured people alive right now.

At the risk of sounding apologetic for my ideals, I hope that I have demonstrated my heart is not in a bad place when it comes to the reasons I believe what I do. We may disagree on how the problems should be addressed, but I hope I never convey the idea that I don’t care or claim you’re a fool if you differ with my stance. I actively try to ignore the sound bite and hear the logic. I hope others will afford me the same courtesy.

Only through acknowledging those who differ from our view are not morons…or perhaps I should say, they are not morons solely because we differ… (Sorry, but some are morons whether they differ or agree.) But this is the first step in compromise, opening our eyes to the drawbacks of our own opinions and finding solutions that are mutually beneficial. For true social benevolence, we must view our antagonists for what they are not.