Seeking Significance

Today I had an odd thought strike me while listening to a once-popular song from the 80s by Foreigner. It is often referred to as a power ballad and usually associated with romance. While I'll arge that a love of the so-called love songs are often really not, I do believe that it was intended to be one in this case. After the thought occurred to me, I did some quick research and found that some uncanny words by Mick Jones about the song: “I don't know where it came from. I consider it a gift that was sent through me. I think there was something bigger than me behind it. I'd say it was probably written entirely by a higher force.”

His quote seemed almost providential to me. The reason is because as I listened to the lyrics this morning, I heard them from a differnt frame of reference. Rather than hearing the song about a man seeking love from a women to help complete him and overcome the challenges in his life, I thought of the singer as making an inquiring plea to God to give him a deeper significance in his life. The love that the lyricist wanted to know was not eros but rather agape, a love that only God can offer.

Being a Christian, I do adhere to the shared belief that the secular search for significance is actually a misguided attempt to find meaning and worth through worldly achievements and validation, but in truth, what is being sought is the engrained desire to have a relationship with God through Christ. I believe this is evident through movies like The Matrix, comicbooks like Superman and other songs, for example Meant To Live by Switchfoot. However, I had never considered this particular song to fall into the category of searching for significance. Now having this different perspective, I almost feel fatuous for never having seen it before. Nonetheless, I am grateful for the epiphany granted me today.

I Wanna Know What Love Is

I've gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
 
And this mountain, I must climb
Feels like the world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds, I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
 
In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life
 
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
 
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
 
In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life
 
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
 
Let's talk about love
Love that you feel inside
I'm feeling so much love
Oh, you know, you just can't hide
 
I wanna know what love is
I know you can show me
(I wanna feel it too)
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
(show me love is real)
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Not By Sight

I was not able to make it to church last Sunday. Fortunately, the church places Pastor Paul's messages on YouTube, so I've been able to watch the sermon. I am thankful for this technology because this is a very powerful Biblical advice - and so important, I felt I should share.

What’s in a name?

How I am addressed is often an interesting tale. My professional pseudonym of “Dj” is not my legally given name, and more curious is why just a colloquial nickname became associated with my professional career. Today, there are few who even know my legal name, save the classmates on Facebook. However, this is not the story I plan to share for this post.
 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

“All I want you to do for me is give it to me when you get home.”
~Aretha Franklin (Respect)

Aretha Franklin’s song is a woman’s cry to be treated fairly and properly by her man. This is a reasonable thing to demand. However, for many of us, respect has become more a thing we desire or demand and less of something we give or show. And while we might deserve respect, and perhaps should avoid certain situations due to a lack of it – I wonder if I may be unbalanced in the demand-and-give ratio.

Top 50 Pop Culture List (Final Ten)

Today I reveal the final ten items of my Top 50 Pop Culture Items of the Past 50 Years list. But before I give the top of the top, let’s review the list thus far:

Top 50 Pop Culture List (20-11)

The first thirty items of my Top 50 Pop Culture Items of the Past 50 Years list have been revealed. Today I will divulge the next ten items. Again, I have to mention how fascinating and peculiar this project became, as I had to decide how to lump and split so many things and further how to rank them. Was the Pet Rock more popular than the Magic Eightball? How do Rickie Tickie Stickers compare to Big Hair of the 80s? Was the Slacker Movement more influential than Tupperware Parties?

Top 50 Pop Culture List (35-21)

Today I continue with the list of the Top 50 Pop Culture Items of the Past 50 Years. Of course, I will impose a bit of trivia first that I gained while researching this project. The average cost for a domestic car in 1970 was $3,700; in 1980 was $7,600; in 1990 was $14,500; and in the year 2000 it was $18,700.
 

As Casey Kasem used to say: “And now on with the countdown…”

Top 50 Pop Culture List

Here begins my list of my personal ranking of the Top 50 Pop Culture Items of the Past 50 Years. It was a fascinating processing gathering ideas, grouping them, splitting them and finally ranking them. And I uncovered some interesting details about the past fifty years as well. What started as a personal project for fun became a real education.

Mini Project

And you can help. The last two months or so of my life, while still being wonderful, have been filled with their fair share of stress…and more. I lost my job and went through a failed IVF cycle with my wife. Between hormone shots, filing for unemployment insurance and interviewing for new positions, things have been a bit trying lately. Not to mention, this election year hasn’t made things any less stressful.
 

So, I’ve decided to fight back by doing something fun. And as I said in the opening, you can help. I’m going to compile a list of the Top 50 Pop Culture Items of the Past 50 Years. I’ve often told my daughter it is important to understand what America looked like to the generation before, and now I’m going to compile a list.

Piracy in the Free Market

Anyone remember those Microsoft Windows jokes about if the highway system were like software? “Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car” was one of the listed gripes. The response from sensitive software engineers was something like “A computer is an interactive piece of machinery that evolves; it’s not passive like popping in a movie.”

The Weepies

I’m sure those who read my blog are beginning to tire of my lachrymose attitude over my recent break-up. I’ve written numerous posts lately about my struggle and introspection. “Get over it already” some would say. Others may even be hoping I’ll make an opposing political post, just to have a different topic.

In truth, I’m moving on fairly well; however, there are unexpected moments where a memory floods back – often happy, but some are deeply sad. Songs are especially memorializing. When “Gotta Have You” by The Weepies or “Fall For You” by Secondhand Serenade plays from my random list, they evoke a powerful emotional response in me still. Oddly, I even found myself tearing up at a baby commercial the other day.

The truth is I am a very passionate person. Sometimes that’s a beautiful thing; sometimes I’m down-right ugly with it. And it was with ugly passion that this relationship ended. I realize that I had some guilt and regret over the episode, wishing I had handled it more maturely. But I am also reminded of the phrase my ex-wife used to say, “If things didn’t end poorly, they probably wouldn’t end.”

Nonetheless, I have a few therapy sessions left. So, I will probably have a few thoughts left to express here over the next few weeks, but my life is returning much more to its normalcy. And I’m finding my way once again, and soon I will walk even taller than I did before we got together.

One important event that has happened, which I am even hesitant to mention, is I have had some subtle contact with her. It has been for a very legitimate reason, but it did permit some clearing of the air and closure to happen. In earnest, it also stirred some confusion in me as well.

However, perhaps the most important thing that happened during this exchange is I was able to let loose of the resentment I held against her – to forgive her so to speak. It wasn’t anything I confessed or items I listed for her to know, but simply a quiet letting go. I also apologized for the ugliness of my passion at the end. Because of that, I was able to forgive myself, and hopefully she can forgive me as well.

Where we two go now is still a mystery. There was clearly a common interest we shared to hope to build a life together, but the truth is we are different people on different paths. Being casual friends with a beautiful memory of our time together is the most likely result. However, I am pleased to have a more melodious decrescendo to the current song in the soundtrack of my life.

But Sometimes I Still Do

This month I've had seven posts in the first twelve days. Now I've gone silent for nearly a week. So, I've felt compelled to make a quick note to ensure everyone that I'm okay.

I had a very dark time last week. As I stated previously, my body healed enough to permit my brain to process and take on the emotions of my recent life-change. And that became far more overwhelming than I expected. That flood of emotion coupled with a difficult time planning my daughter's schedule for the weekend sparked an ugly exchange between her mother and me. This further plummeted my spirits.

However, I have been blessed with a wonderful and supportive family, but also a group of level-headed, compassionate friends who have advised me well in the last few days. I did as I said in my last post and formed an accountability group - a small circle of friends with whom I share uninhibited honesty about what I'm feeling and experiencing. Trusting this group, I share internal turmoil I would not want aired publicly, and this allows me an avenue to move the troubling thoughts out of my head and into an "emotional cache" where I can better cope.

So, a lot of my introspective time over the past week has been spent writing things to this group and talking on the phone with its members. It also allows me to have more appropriate things to discuss here without the pressure of revealing details probably not best shared in such an open forum.

I told someone earlier that my life recently had just been hell. Because of a good weekend and feeling like I've started to get my footing on life again, I was able to joke that the hell I've been going through however happened to be air-conditioned with ample food, convenient transportation, intermissions with entertaining sporting events and movies, and of course the comfort of good companions. So, while I still claim my physical and emotional recovery have been quite painful, I am quite fortunate.

The title to the post is, of course, a reference to the Joe Walsh song, "Life's Been Good So Far" in which he says, "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." I'm not out of the forest yet. There are still a few emotional predators and pit-fall traps of insecurity that I must still overcome before returning safe from the wilderness of grief.

But I have a plan and a course of action to take. I will not lay down in the woods and die of shame. And life will be good again.

Tri-Bonds: Concerts, Comics and Karma

I know; I guessed things that start with the letter ‘K’ at first as well. However, surprise; that’s not the answer. There is a common bond between these things, nonetheless, but to find out we have to take a hot-tub time-machine ride back to the 80’s.

Marvel Comics produced a super-hero role-playing game around 1985. This would be around the time of Bruce Springsteen, Madonna…way before Nirvana; there was U2 and Blondie and music still on mTV. So, the setting is understood – good.

For those not familiar with role-playing games (outside your own kinky thoughts), they are a story-based form of entertainment where players act out or write their own actions as the script is generally plotted by a game-master or arbiter. It is much like impromptu acting, playing pretend with rules or being in “Who’s Line Is It Anyway” where the points actually matter.

Marvel’s theme in the game was to play out comic book hero stories similar to those sold on the comic book rack at the grocery store. In addition to the marketing ploy to capitalize on the popularity of Dungeons & Dragons at the time, it did have its aspect of imaginative fun. However, one of the rules in the game was called a “karma pool.” Each character would gain points of karma for heroic acts; these points could be spent to receive a bonus to the dice roll (increase the chance of success) if ever the mutant hero character needed to perform a feat of unimaginable proportion…as often done in comic book tales.

However, the “karma pool” was an advanced rule, used only by serious and organized gamers. To apply it, one had to be a member of a superhero team and be in the good graces of all team members. If everyone consented in advance of the die roll and a single member needed a positive boost to accomplish the uncanny act, then he could pool the points from all the other members of his team into a “karma pool” to be used as a one-time bonus for his action. Okay, let’s stop here before I start designing and explaining a character sheet.

Another event from 1985 was the car accident involving Rick Allen, drummer of Def Leppard, who lost his arm in the street-race-turned-bad. Technically the accident happened on New Year’s Eve, but none of us heard about it until 1985. Even so, the lead singer of the group, Joe Elliott, authorized the use of a “karma pool” to allow Rick to retrain himself to play the drums with only one-arm, using his left foot and a specialized drum kit to compensate for the missing one. And the “die roll” was a successful with his post-accident drumming debut at the Monsters of Rock festival in 1986 and the release of the Hysteria album the following year. (This is a rather amazing and inspirational story and truly an heroic feat of unimaginable proportion.)

Now, let’s fast-forward to 2009, when I attended the Def Leppard concert in Tulsa. It was not my first rock concert, but it was my first one dressed-up as an 80s rocker. It was unbelievably fun...and yes, more pictures are on my Facebook for those who must see. Anyway, what I didn’t realize is that by doing this, I became a member of the “karma pool” from which my points had been taken.

Of course, I don’t really believe this, but sometimes happenstance takes on funny patterns. Mine manifested around the 2011 Def Leppard concert, which my former fiancé and I jokingly referred to as the “Def Leppard curse.” I purchased the tickets in bulk for the same group I went with in 2009 and fronted the roughly one-grand personally with the promise to be reimbursed later.

Although we had only started dating for a few weeks, my girlfriend and I decided to go to the concert together. However, a few weeks after, the “leader” of the costumed-cavalcade told me she would be leaving the country for a business opportunity, which pretty much made the proud owner of several unclaimed concern tickets. Almost immediately after that, my girlfriend decided to stop going out with me, meaning I gained one more unclaimed prize.

Most everyone knows that I bought a new house about a month later. The tickets became lost in the shuffle, and I even convinced myself that I had inadvertently thrown them out while separately trash from important documents. Of course, within a week or two after this, the girlfriend and I started dating again in secret. Magically, I found the tickets and was able to sell the extras on eBay.

By July, we announce our engagement to be married, but more Def-Leppard tragedy occurred when Joe Elliot’s father unexpectedly passed away and the concert was delayed for two months. This nearly cost me my hotel reservation, but I was able to salvage that; however, it was a very stressful transaction.

A few weeks later, during a couple of days of confusion, where we had a disagreement about the direction of our future together, my then-fiancé and I both joked how we might never make it to see Def Leppard together and farcically blamed them our troubles. We did work it through and re-engaged our path towards marriage. This disagreement was not really a break-up, but we often referred to it as a “speed bump.”

So, with this whole dissertation behind me, I come to the point. When she and I finally did go to the concert and spend the night in Tulsa, it was on this day that noticed the handwriting on the wall which foretold the doom of our relationship. Without revealing details, let me say her behavior, her indifference, her stoic obligation signaled the obvious to me; ironically it was during the Def Leppard trip.

I’m glad I pressed the point and we could determine that she wasn’t really ready for the commitment. Had I not, we might have continued lying to ourselves and each other – and where would we be then?

Yes, I jovially blame Def Leppard for my break-up and claim they stole my good karma. However, the truth is the concert was a very important revelation. So, it was not a curse, but rather a painful blessing.

The Origin of Fire

I was recently sent an email highlighting Billy Joel's song, We Didn't Start The Fire. This is a great song both musically and historically, demonstrating politics and the human condition. However, while there is some truth to his point that humans are a messy lot, there is a bit of denial of responsibility to the lyrics. Or perhaps it is just a twist on the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog - the claim being humans in their nature will create strife.

However, I think we often look at the action of first conflict without understanding why and where that conflict originates. Sometimes it doesn't matter. If a robber breaks in my home, threatening my family, there is no time to analyze his psychological profile. But when it comes to our own close and personal relationships, taking that time and avoiding hasty decisions is important. Yet we often fail to do that, and then cast our own reactions as a required response to an offense.

I believe much conflict in relationships, whether that be between friends, lovers, co-workers or children-and-parents, is due to failure to express what's going on. Sometimes we discover we are "taking a trip to Abilene," which is a metaphor for something no one wants but everyone agrees to do. Sometimes we have differing goals, but fail to compromise out of fear of rocking the boat. Sometimes it is more complex than either of these, but in all cases the fear and resentment builds. In the end frustration results and sometimes bridges get burned.

Speaking rudely and disrespectfully can burn bridges, but that is probably more about attitude. Having a relationship with someone whose attitude is constantly disrespectful might require that bridge be set afire anyway, as breaking associations isn't always a bad thing. However, for desirable and maintainable bonds, expressing what's inside is essential. It's not the fiery tongue that burns the bridge, but rather the failure to communicate. It is from this silence where assumptions spark and ignite the destruction.

Close To Commencement

This morning I caught the interview show, Shatner's Raw Nerve. His guest on this early morning re-run was Weird Al Yankovic. Among the myriad of topics from his parents' deaths to his accordion practice schedule, I came to learn that Al finished High School as Valedictorian two years early and went on to receive a degree in Architecture by age 21.

The facts that Weird Al had a record contract and that he had appeared on television prior to graduating from college was not the part of this story that caught my attention. He is very intelligent and quite talented. What attracted my awareness was the Architecture degree. You see, Weird Al has now destroyed some of my parental advice.

My oldest daughter, Meagan, is nearing graduation from college. During her early years, she struggled to decide in what to major. After settling on Film School, she was rebuked by many people telling her there was not much industry in that field for her to get a real job. I continued to support her decision, advising that the degree itself is of much more importance than what it is in and that the only people whose major really matters are certified careers like engineers, pre-med, pre-law and the like. "After all, no one spends five years getting an Architecture degree and then not use it," I told her.

So while I still hold to my advice for her, that having the degree no matter what it's in is more important than not having one at all, I discovered only two weeks prior to her graduation that my primary example has been blown out of the water by perhaps the most famous architect-comedian since Bonanno Pisano. (For the non-architect readers, click the embedded link to get the joke.)

In truth, the talented polka player only further enriched the value of my advice to her: "Go to college; get a degree in something you enjoy and don't worry about what it's in. This will open up more opportunities. Then your talents can take you beyond what you can imagine possible today." I still believe that was good advice - perhaps not for everyone, but it was tailor-fit advice for that girl. And if it is not obvious, I am very proud of her accomplishment.

Lastly, I must admit that Weird Al has usurped my parental guidance before with his releases of Dare To Be Stupid and Don't Download This Song. But I guess I can forgive him again.

Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen

This weekend my daughter had to complete her Science Fair project. It was a fascinating but frustrating and expensive project, where she tested the effectiveness of different levels of SPF in sunscreen.

This was done by masking off four sections on a clear-plastic folder, applying the different SPF formulas to each section, leaving one blank as the the control of course. Then a piece of photo-developing paper was slipped into the folder and exposed to the sunlight. After five minutes, the photo-paper was brought inside and placed in a photo-fixing wash to stop the “development” and observe the variances.

Of course a big display had to be built as well, showing methods, charts and data. Finally it came time to “name the project.” This was both a bit more fun and somewhat inspirational. We settled on the title Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen.

You may recall a little over a decade ago, when Vitamin-C released their one-hit wonder, Graduation Song, another MP3 made its way around Napster. It was advice put to music by Baz Luhrmann. Rumors had it that this was an actual Commencement Speech given by Kurt Vonnegut at MIT. However, the truth is this advice was never given in a speech at all, but rather was a 1997-column of the Chicago Tribune by Mary Schmich.

Although few know the story behind the song, many recognize Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen instantly. And unlike many “viral” items that traverse the internet to be forgotten after a few weeks, this “speech” made a lasting impression on nearly all who heard it – for it is inspiration, witty and just good advice. It serves to remind us of what is truly important in this life, which ironically turns out not to be sunscreen – although there are benefits from it as well.

So in honor of this memory and song, rediscovered through science, I offer a link to a YouTube video for any who wish to listen to the song. Below the link are Mary Schmich’s words for those who prefer to simply read it.

Link To YouTube

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young June 1, 1997; Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates. I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt. Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen.

Karaoke Lessons

The other day I sang a duet with someone. It was Picture by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock. Of course, we did a fabulous job; thank you for asking.

However, as I sang the line, “I wish I had a good girl to miss me,” I was reminded of a past conversation. An acquaintance of mine once tried to convince me that if he could just find a good woman, then he’d have a reason to change his ways and straighten his life around.

I remember thinking about his argument and even debating with him that he should do these things for himself, not rely on the existence of another person to make them manifest. I held the position that if he wouldn’t do this for himself, then his effort would be good at first but eventually, after the novelty and chivalry had worn off, he would revert back to who he wanted to be for himself – and if that wasn’t “the straightened out person” then he would go back to his old bad habits.

I thought about myself after singing the song – clearly with the memory of the above-stated conversation fresh on my mind. How often do I hope for another person or a particular event to occur to excuse fixing things I know I should? And while using an excuse to start isn’t necessarily bad, the action and desire must be for me to improve who I am – not to provide an appearance nor to be for a temporary duration.

As most nutritionist tell us: It is not a diet but rather a life-style change. If we diet, then we shed the unwanted weight for a while, but it comes back. If we change how we eat routinely, then the weight is more likely to stay off.

So it must be the same in our personal lives, work habits, moral practice and emotional decisions; otherwise, the weight and burdens return. We must satisfy that one person we are guaranteed to live with for our entire lives: our own self. Any other reason is denial.

Ironically, the next song for me to sing was I Can't Get No Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones.