The Riteful Owner

There sure have been a lot of polarized issues lately. Today, the US Supreme Court ruled that Same-Sex Marriages are a Civil Right and must be permitted in every State. Obviously, social media lit up with opinions -- and surprise, surprise, not very many people played nice.
 

It's Just A TV Show

First of all ***SPOILERS*** in case you have this on DVR and have yet to watch it, but here are my thoughts on How I Met Your Mother.
 

But Who Is Me?

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
 ~ Malachy McCourt 

I held on to a lot of anger for years after my divorce. The bitterness ate away and corroded the true me, but it happened at slow pace – so much so that I barely noticed the change. And I carried this hatred with me for a long time and without being aware of it.
 

What’s in a name?

How I am addressed is often an interesting tale. My professional pseudonym of “Dj” is not my legally given name, and more curious is why just a colloquial nickname became associated with my professional career. Today, there are few who even know my legal name, save the classmates on Facebook. However, this is not the story I plan to share for this post.
 

Labeling

Day two of 2012 and I awoke realizing that I had not made any resolutions this year. That’s not really unusual for me; it’s not a tradition I honor often. I commonly laugh it off or resolve to not make any resolutions.

However, I thought about the character renovation I’ve attempted over the past five or six years, specifically after the divorce. I carried an immense amount of guilt around with me after the divorce, which translated to me not liking who I had become because of my marriage. The truth is we all change who we are in serious relationships, even if only a little – but we do change.

Not that I blame my ex-wife for the person I didn’t like that I had become. After all, I had made the changes and decisions that I did. Part of the post-divorce coping was to blame her, but the truth is I alone am responsible for those choices and decisions – which in turn means I alone carry the guilt of who I had become.

Now, the interesting thing that I’ve discovered over the past five years is “who I am” was not really that drastically changed, despite my dislike of myself. Yes, there were changed, but my core person had remained in tact. What had primarily changed is my attitude.

Growing up my mother would always tell me “People are as happy as the make their minds up to be.” Now while I struggled with this idea, I did put it in practice and was reasonably happy most of my childhood. However, what I didn’t know was that my brain chemistry did not regulate quite as it should and failed to produce enough serotonin, which resulted in serious depression in my late teens and early twenties. Through new pharmaceuticals at the time and some counseling, I trained my brain to cope for this deficiency. I literally made my mind to by happy.

And when I wed my now ex roughly a decade-and-a-half ago, I was fairly well-adjusted and happy person. However, as time went on, my attitude no longer remained in that determined-to-be-happy place, and I grew cynical. I alone am responsible for this change in attitude, but I alone was not the cause. As stated before, I won’t blame my ex, but the truth is being yoked to a bitter and angry person influenced me to avoid her pain, which ultimately resulted in me viewing most everything in a negative and fearful way. Even our fun times together were “escapes from chaos” or ways to “mask the pain.”

While it was not like being in a Nazi concentration camp, my environment for that decade wore on my attitude. When leaving that world after the divorce, I slowly learned to adopt my happier side again. Of course, I get drawn back to Misery-Land often because we share the responsibility of raising a child, even though living separate lives now.

Let me state carefully here. My ex-wife is not a bad person; however, in my opinion, she is a sad person. She seeks external conditions to determine her state of mind. She does not “make up her mind to be happy” but rather allows the conditions around her to define her mood. Again, this does not make her a bad person, but it is a method and philosophy, likely subconscious on her part, that differs diametrically with mine. She has many fine and wonderful qualities, but that difference alone became significant in my ability to live with her, work with her and eventually even like her – and even like myself.

So, in the past five years, I have worked to rebuild my character. As I stated above, the framework was still there; it was just that the paint had dulled and maintenance had been lacking. The maintenance of attitude – a positive attitude. Not a silly Pollyanna, rose-tinted fantasy-land attitude. But a positive one, nonetheless.

I was recently reminded by a question I heard in my therapy sessions in my twenties with learning to cope with my depression. The therapist asked me, “How many good things does it take to make up for one bad thing?” It was then I realized that I gave weight to very condition that happened in my life. But more importantly, I can to realize that I chose to label every condition as either positive or negative before I stored it in my memory.

This truth has not changed. The only thing that has changed is my choice in labels. So, if I have a resolution this year, it would be my choice of labels for the events in my life. I will make my mind up to be happy.

Humility

In thinking of some of the worst times of my life – times I’ve lost jobs, lost friendships, ended a marriage – there seems to be a common thread that runs through them all. That thread is pride – not the confident, assertive kind, but the haughty kind that “goeth before the fall.”

I won’t go into any details, but I was once fired from my job because I thought I was too important and placed myself above the goal of the project. Another time, for nearly a decade I was estranged from a once-close circle of friends when I believed they were disrespecting me and my talent. My marriage failed, and when the final straw broke, it was more about my personal dignity than the actions or events that had happened. Most recently, I broke off my engagement and much of it was due to my ego and what I felt I deserved without expressing what I needed from her; in fact, I even gave her permission to go against my wishes, then turned those actions against her.

However, my point has nothing to do with the details, but I offer a glimpse to illustrate my puffed-up ego and perception of my own self-importance in each of these cases. Later, after the dust of my pride settled, I suffered deep regret from each of these happenings. Sadly, these are not the only episodes of my life where this lack of humility exists, but they are significant events where my point is easily identified.

To be fair, I am not the sole villain in these tales. This is not some self-piteous crisis that I decry. The other people in each story are not innocent and did things I believe they now regret as well. However, I cannot control or be responsible for what anyone else does. I don’t get to correct and build character from their mistakes and actions. I can only do those things about my own behavior and my own mindset. Regardless of anyone else’ actions, I must still be true to myself.

This makes me think of the passage in Second Chronicles, where it says, “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” I note that Ezra does not address the wrong-doing of others or blame enemies for things that had happened to the Israelites. He talks about their actions, their responsibilities and their humility.

I can’t point the finger at others and blame them for the results. Others may play a factor and influence the outcome, but ultimately I make choices. I am held accountable for those choices, regardless of those around me. When I choice with a spirit of pride and without humility, the results are often wasteful – and become chapters of my life filled with remorse.

Today, I pray that I stay humble in every encounter I have and that I remember I am not as important as my pride whispers. I will cherish everything as if it were a gift – because it is.

Gratitude

It's gritty; it's vulgar; it's sexist - but it's honest. It doesn't discuss how things should be; it presents things how they really are. As I strive to improve my character and my world, it is important not to forget the actuality of this imperfect place.

I've just finished the book, Things My Daughters Need to Know, by Rodney L. Demery, a homicide detective from Shreveport and a man not many would consider gentlemanly when it comes to his personal history with women. However, there is still a strange sense of honor to the author, as he reveals secrets of the darker sides of men's thoughts and motives towards the other gender.

Also he advises women how to avoid the lies and tricks that men themselves often aren't aware they do. He also explains how to seek out men of higher character and how to experience happiness, debunking much of the popular thinking about modern women finding male companionship...and sometimes it isn't delivered with a sugar-coating.

I particularly liked how he admits to his mistakes, holding himself accountable for them. At the same time he expresses that everyone is responsible for his or her own happiness as well. The idea of not stewing in the past because it will prevent one from enjoying the present and the future struck me in particular today.

...a woman must know herself. I want my daughters to know their happiness is their responsibility. Don't hold grudges or carry bitterness. It doesn't help you. It just weighs you down. If he cheats on you, don't sit around blaming him. Don't let someone else hold your emotions hostage. Lick your wounds and go on. Whatever love you are blessed to find, enjoy it. Enjoy it that day, without worrying about tomorrow. Submit to that love. I'm not saying abandon all common sense, but let your emotional guard down and take it all in. Whether the love lasts a minute or ten years, enjoy it.

This selection from Demery's book has true wisdom in it. It acknowledges pain and recovery, Most of all it focuses on the appreciation for the blessings in life without measuring or comparing them to other things. Although we often forget to do this, an experience can be and should be enjoyed by its own accord.

I like this - and needed it. Today I stopped to remember some of the great moments in my life...and I have become just a little more grateful for them.

What Stands Behind Me

When recently sharing with close friends a dispute I had with my ex-wife, I came to think on who I am when I am single and unattached compared with the person I am when I am in a relationship. Clearly, we function somewhat differently by the very nature of the role and interdependency. However, I am now considering my decisions, thought-process and successful life-navigation in each scenario.

This contemplation stemmed from a ridiculous accusation that I am unable to take care of myself and since the divorce others must resolve problems trailing behind me. This claim was near-immediately dismissed because of the evidence to the contrary that came to mind. Without listing everything, let me summarize. Over the past five year post-divorce, I am now more accomplished and more effective in my career, spend more meaningful time with my daughters, manage my finances far more effectively, and I purchased a new home.

There is a certain ironic vindication best exemplified by the house because the only woman who assisted in any way was my realtor (and she was completely professional). However, there were some women who after visiting my new house seemed impressed and perplexed I was able to select so well without their help. Now, I’m not a mind-reader, so I can’t be sure…but I believe egos may have been bruised and suspicions laid that I didn’t act on my own.

There’s a play on the famous proverb which states “Behind every successful man is a very surprised mother-in-law.” However, in my case, I believe it would be better phrased to say “an ex in denial.”

All joking aside, this has led me to consider if I make better decisions when I am flying solo. Do I lose my good judgment when I’m romantically involved? Perhaps my teamwork skills are just poor. Perhaps I fear disappointing my partner. Or perhaps the women I select are…what word should I choose…stronger than I can handle. I suppose it’s possible I’m just not built to be married – I’ve never considered that before.

At any rate, my journey of self-discovery and life renovation continues.

Weird Science

I’m not sure of the average age of the readers of my blog, but those who are around mine will remember the classic 80s movie, Weird Science. It starred the master-geek of the decade, Anthony Michael Hall, as a kid who creates a sexy woman, played by Kelly LeBrock, by hacking into the internet (before we called it that) and downloading vast knowledge and power into a sentient being.

Yes, it was one of those highly believable plots from the 80s with testosterone-filled geeks trying to figure out what to do with it. Plus, the second “jerk role” for a young Bill Paxton, after being stabbed by the Terminator. Also there was some other antagonist in the film who grew up to be Iron-Man…but I digress.

At a latter part of the film, four boys wearing bras on their heads are trying to recreate the process as a bartered deal to trade another sexy-fembot-like woman for the geeks’ popularity. Of course, this fails because they missed a step, which results in a nuclear missile appearing. This really makes sense if you’ve seen the film.

At this moment, the sexy but matronly original creation appears to summarize the basic idea behind the film. Lisa asks the boys, “When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them?” Of course, this is when she lures the Road-Warrior mutants to the party to prove the boys’ true honorable character. Again, it really makes sense.

Nonetheless, in my honest inventory of who I am, who I attract, who I want to be with (both friends and lovers) – this concept has become an important topic of my psyche. This also feeds into the fear of success concept from my previous post. I forget that I have intrinsic value just by my own character. I forget that I don’t have to purchase the affections of other people. I forget that when someone loves me, unconditionally and just for being me, then I don’t have to fear a repression in the economy of my gifts or deeds.

Now – this doesn’t mean I can be a do-nothing, bring-nada-to-the-table jerk and demand others to respect me. But what it does mean is that I don’t have to impress anyone in exchange for friendliness or offer a favor to receive fondness. While living over four decades now, I still struggle with this junior-high insecurity; and it lives larger in my heart than I realized.

Lastly, I’m not saying that any of my friends reciprocate their affinity towards me because I feel this way or do these things. I’m not saying my ex-wife or my former fiancé only loved me because of how I performed or items I bought. I believe those in my life, past and present, are not so shallow for this to be the only factor. However, I did practice this art, whether I knew it or not – and in doing so, it sent a message to others that it was okay to use me…and probably at times, people did – and I allowed it, and allowed it guilt-free.

Something new to work on. But this is good. As I said previously, I’m building my character anew from the wreckage of my life-ship which went off course. My goal, as always, is to be honest about my brokenness, fess up to it and take the responsibility. Then mend myself with the help of friends, family and the Father. Perhaps not everyone believes I do that, but I don’t have to prove it to them; I need only be true to myself.

By the way, what ever happened to the grandparents? Are they still in ageless stasis in the kitchen pantry?

Ex-treme

Tonight I received a text from my daughter saying that her mother had a hair appointment tomorrow. She asked if it was acceptable that she stay at my house until 7 o’clock that evening.

Okay, some quick background. My daughter’s mother and I are divorced, for those new to the blog. We have shared custody, alternative weeks. My daughter rides the bus to my house after school every day regardless of the week, and on her mother’s time, she picks her up at my house shortly after she arrives. It’s mainly a convenience thing for everyone involved, including the school who prefers not to manage where a kid goes on different days.

Back to the story…I text my daughter back and tell her that is perfectly fine, but I need to verify that plan with her mother. I believed what she said was true, and my daughter is not prone to lying and unlikely to be “sneaking around” by creating a false whereabouts – but I operate on a “trust but verify” policy. That way, once she does reach the devious phase, a pattern of “dad is gonna check up on me” has been firmly established.

Anyway, after sending a simple Is-this-the-plan? text to her mother, half an hour passes without a response. I follow up with another text that says to confirm at her convenience; I understand life happens and one can’t always stop to read the phone. Within seconds a response, which I think actually came in a flaming-letters font, arrived explaining that my daughter would be picked up at the normal time and alternate arrangements would be made.

While not stated directly, I have implied that my request for confirmation was perceived as adversarial, inconvenient or unnecessary. Dumbfounded by this response, I went back and re-read my message to be sure I didn’t misspell anything or imply anything that might have elicited such a reply. I am fairly confident I said nothing unreasonable or provoking.

So, I say all this, not to air dirty laundry or humiliate my ex because I too have had those over-reactive moments when dealing with the former spouse. The reason I bring this up is to remind divorced parents what is reasonable and what is not. Not just this example, but I hear quite often a divorced parent (of both genders) complain about how the other one is being controlling, asking questions that are none of his or her concern, and so on…when as I hear their story, the “antagonist-ex” is probably not out of line.

Thus, let me offer this simple test, which has saved me a lot of stress and several ranting of post-divorce entitlement. Here it is: if the kid were someone else’ kid rather than your ex, how would expect the parents to behave?

In this case, which I picked because it’s an example of my level-headed moments, had “Suzy” from down the street asked if she could stay at my house longer than planned, of course I would contact the other parent to confirm. The other parent should expect me to do that and should be happy to confirm the plan (or explain the request isn’t authorized). It’s pretty simple and quite accurate to define what a reasonable and courteous communication is.

One note, however: the door swings both ways. If another parent told me the plan wouldn’t work, even in a huffy way, even implying I shouldn’t have bothered him or her – it would not be proper for me to call or text that other parent and lecture them on what I was trying to do and to explain that gratitude for my effort was expected. No, I would shrug it off and have a few thoughts about “wow, must be a bad day,” then think little more about it. So, guess what? That is how level-headed parent should respond to the contentious ex too. A close second is to write a blog about it under the guise of helping other divorced parents.

Licensing Religion

The other day I had a discussion with a fellow who proposed an interesting idea. Now, I don’t think it would ever be accepted, and I am certainly not going to try to push any new public policy. Moreover, it suffers from the “genie is out of the bottle” problem, but nonetheless, I thought it was interesting enough to share.

He said that no government, not Federal nor State, should issue marriage licenses or make laws that address or recognize marital status. His argument is that marriage is a religious ceremony and the State governing it is as ludicrous as administering secular baptisms.

Wow – this is a pretty radical thought. Well, let’s slow down. Is it really that crazy?

After 3000 years of marital tradition, the first real secular ruling about marriage came from a King in England who defied the authority of the Pope. He justified his decision on fairly selfish reasoning, not because he wanted to improve the institution of marriage. That established, despite some pretty upsetting changes in Church organization, it didn’t really impact the practice of marriages being sanctioned religious covenants. However, it did set a precedent, but one that would not be acted upon for nearly another 350 years.

There were virtually no legal statutes addressing marriage in Europe and early America. There were no tax breaks, no secular registers, no blood tests. Marriage was a religious function, something to be kept separate from the State …until the Civil War. After the Fourteenth Amendment, the secular, governmental, legal processing of marriage came to be in full force. Why? Mainly to prevent blacks from marrying whites now that the former slaves were legal citizens.

Governmental authority over marriage continued into a fight between State and Federal control. A hundred years later, Civil Rights and the supremacy clause would overtake these Jim Crow laws. However, all this did was to give more control over marriage to the State and basically strip away the church tradition, making it meaningless and unnecessary. Marriage is now a legal status and function – and no longer a religious one.

My friend’s argument stated the removal of the Jim Crow laws about marriage was correct but methodically flawed. Rather than over-ruling them with more secular law, they should have been struck down under separation of Church and State. The justification for their removal should not have been based on Civil Rights, but rather marriage was a religious area where government has virtually no authority.

He further explained that this approach of letting religious groups control and sanction marriage would solve most of the social issues surrounding it today. If gays wanted to marry and found a religious group to sanction it, then so be it. If atheists wanted to “live in sin” without marrying, then fine; they don’t believe in sin anyway. The church leaders would be accountable to God, their tenants or whatever, but not to the State.

This is quite different than how we currently think. I further admit that this would radically change how divorce, child support, alimony and inheritance would be handled; however, without knowing what solutions would manifest for these issues in a governmentless marriage scenario, I can’t say whether that would be better or worse. I would imagine they would be more private and personally-tailored, though.

So as I close down this post, I want to remind everyone this is merely a hypothetical proposal of how it should be, not a political push to change the system. I don’t believe this model will happen, but it is an interesting and unusual way of looking at our modern issues of marriage. While I doubt it could solve every social problem revolving around marriage, I must consider that this seemingly radical idea is not only reasonable but it also preserves the original meaning and tradition of marriage.